This morning when I awoke I could see the light entering the sky through the cracks in the blind behind the head of our bed. I could tell by the amount of light mixing with darkness that it was about the same time I dropped Joel off at school; the last time I saw him alive as he walked away from me two years ago. I have constantly wondered if he said anything at all to me that would have hinted something was wrong that day, or if he said good-bye differently or if he said the words, "Good-Bye" as he never said that. But it was in the predawn fog and routine as every other morning; and I have been over it in my mind thousands of times and as time has passed, I'm not sure if I'm really thinking and reliving the correct day. I've considered hypnosis to see if there is a latent image or memory that could be awakened. But I'm not sure that would help me in the healing process. Because, what if there was something as blatent as him saying, "Good-Bye" and I dismissed it or didn't catch it. And in hypnosis, like dreaming, I wouldn't know if my mind was just fucking with me or if it really happened. I know he didn't say, "I love you," as he normally did any time we parted or ended a phone conversation. He stopped saying it several weeks prior to his death.
2:00 PM, May 14, 2009 I headed back to pick up Joel as I did most afternoons after school. I normally made it to our meeting place by 17 or 18 after where he would already be waiting. He wasn't there that afternoon so I waited a few minutes before phoning him. My call went right to voice mail which meant he must not have charged his phone. I waited until 2:30 or so and still no Joel.
Joel had started a pattern of being tardy and less considerate than he was before he met a group of kids six months prior, so I expected he picked up a ride with them as he did so many times before, sometimes without telling me his plans. It had gotten a bit frustrating to me when he did this without telling me. But still I had this nagging feeling something was wrong. The feeling was so strong I almost took a route home that was completely out of the way and one I've never taken before. Something inside kept prodding me to turn left at the corner and go the other way but I didn't. I turned right and headed home. Brandon was due home from Middle School and I needed to be there when he arrived. I left another message for Joel and headed home. Little did I know that the other route is in all probability the road he was taking and walking south. My timeline tells me he had been walking since 1:18. An hour and ten minutes have passed. Even if I had gone the other way home, he would have been about a mile south of the last road that lead to our home. I wouldn't have found him. But still...
